I got some bad news today.
Normally I don't like sharing personal stuff with you guys because I don't want to come across as attention-seeking or anything, but I need some support on this one.
Here's a little back story:
When I was in high school, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through having a bilateral mastectomy (having both breasts removed) and a long bought of chemotherapy cycles. It was really hard to watch her go through that and take care of her. I was her primary care giver at home since my step-dad was less than enthusiastic about taking care of my ailing mother. My sister was too caught up in the drama of high school to be of much help.
She got through it though and everything seemed to be fine after that for several years.
My senior year of high school, I applied to three colleges: two out of state and one in my hometown. I ended up getting in to all three, the out of state ones with very nice scholarship packages. However, I chose to stay home and go to the school in my hometown so I could take care of mom if she got sick again. That didn't happen though, not for ten years.
Last year, my mom was diagnosed with a primary immune deficiency. She started treatments for it, but they didn't work for her and she just got worse and worse. I thought she was dying and I couldn't handle it. She got more and more mentally abusive and my parents just honestly could not understand how my mental state was affected by them or anything. So I moved out in April.
Today I found out that my mom not only has an immune deficiency. She has Lung Cancer
They say it's a small lesion, but it's deep. So deep that it's inoperable. She's going to have to have radiation therapy to get rid of it, possibly chemotherapy again. She's supposed to have a radiologically guided biopsy this week to see what kind of cancer cells they are, but the tumor is apparently malignant.
I was so scared for so many years that my mom was going to get sick again that I avoided living my life, moving out, going to a school somewhere else. And now that I actually have moved out and am moving on with my life it fucking happened.
I don't know how to feel, other than numb. I want to support her and help her out as much as I can. I mean, she's my mom. Despite everything, I do love her. She gave birth to me, she fought to keep me away from my insanely abusive biological father, she succeeded in doing that. I owe her everything, yet nothing at the same time.
Sorry, I got a little deep there.
I just don't know how to feel right now. I need the support of my friends more than ever right now.
TL;DR: Mom has cancer again, Rae doesn't know how to handle it.